"The worst night of my life"

I explain in an earlier post about the "worst night of my life".

So I don't like to discuss this but I guess I will share what happened as it hugely impacted my life and was the reason I moved to Australia. 

When Millie was about 3 months old I started dating the current boyfie, who happened to know Millie's bio father. We kept it private and between us because Millie's bio dad can be extremely jealous and controlling. Of course he eventually found out and went absolutely crazy. 

He went "missing" for a week, even his mother reported him as a missing person. He was texting me sounding like he was on drugs. Needless to say I didn't care and was over his nonsense. 

About a week after this I decided to have a girls night and invite my friend and her young baby boy over. We were both single mothers so we bonded well, after a night full of fettuccine and garlic bread (talk about carb loading) and a few naughty drinks we crashed out in my bed together at about 11pm. 

Just after midnight I woke up to the light being turned on in the kitchen, I always left my door open so I could hear Millie. I deliriously opened my eyes to see why the light had turned on still half asleep to see a shadow standing over me. I quickly woke up and realised it was Millie's boo father. He was standing over me sleeping while holding a knife. As anyone would I completely freaked out, the whole thing is a blur as I think I just went into panic mode. He was looking for the new boyfie and kept saying he would kill him, he believed my friend was him in my bed and I showed him it wasn't. 

He then proceeded to head towards Millie's room still holding the knife, I panicked and managed to get between him and her door protecting the entrance. I don't remember what I said to him but I pretty much said there's no way your going in there and il die to protect her. I must have scared him because him and his 3 friends standing in my lounge room left. My friend and myself completely in panic called the police and told them what had happened. They were still driving up and down my street past my house and I was scared they would come back.

The police came and he had gone by this time, they moved us to a hotel for the night and I spent the next 4 days in a woman's refuge while he was on the run from them. 

They eventually located him and he was later sentenced to just over a year in prison. At that moment I was terrified of him and spent a long time dealing with my insecurities and fears. After counciling and a few years to come to terms with everything I am okay. I do not fear him anymore and actually pity him. I feel thankful in a way as I am a much stronger person because of it. And now I know that I would protect Millie at any cost even as a spur of the moment instinct. He claims he was on drugs and heavily intoxicated at the time which obviously still does not excuse his behaviour. We had been seperated for over 4 months and he had no right to act the way he did, I was lucky that the boyfie stood by my side through this and supported me all the way. 

Millie does not speak to her bio father much as he is very up and down with trying to keep contact. When she is old enough she will be able to make her own decision after I have talked to her about what happened. I do not believe he is a bad person, rather just a person with extreme issues that need to be addressed, and this can not occur until he accepts responsibility for his actions and behaviour which I do not believe will happen anytime soon. 

The biggest thing here is that I feel so sorry for Millie. Having to grow up with a biological father one day knowing what he has done (and this was one of many incidents involving emotional and physical abuse). I feel very lucky she has an amazing male role model to look up to, and that I have thrived at being the best mother I can be. 

Can I please stress to anyone suffering from physical or emotional abuse please seek help from a close friend or family member, it is never okay.

So that's my story, 

Millie's mum xo

Today's adventures and our gluten free lifestyle

Went and saw The boyfie today again after an extremely painful physio session on my neck and back (from my car accident). 

We always just strip off and get straight to it haha today was silly sex, we go through moods and today we were just being silly and giggly. I love that we don't have to be so serious all the time. 

Millie was diagnosed as celiac about a week ago and I have decided to eat gluten free with her to support her. We went to an amazing GF cafe. He has also decided once he lives with me he will go gluten free also so we will be a gluten free family. 

Eating GF is a lot harder than you may think especially for a picky 3 year old whose diet consists of eggs, cheese and yoghurt. Here's hoping she doesn't end up lactose intolerant also.

I must admit though I feel way less bloated and don't have that sick feeling after I eat anymore. But saying that, it is a total life change. You even have to buy a new toaster. Some people can be so sensitive you have to buy new dishes and baking trays. Hopefully Millie will be okay. She seems less bloated and easier going, the real test is her bowels and immunity and this will take time it will be such a relief if we can fix these issues as simple as a diet change, plus after reading up on gluten is sounds so bad for you and our body can't digest it.

So our health kick begins, lucky I love my green smoothies and so does Millie. I also prefer almond or coconut milk rather than cows milk, I always feel sick and full of mucous after having cows milk and I hate that feeling. Even though every now and then you do just crave a good glass of thick creamy milk.

Has anyone else recently started a gluten free lifestyle? I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas.

Talk a bit later time to get Mils off to sleep,

Millie's mum xo

The boyfie

I suppose this is the post where I explain who we are going to call "The Boyfie".

He came into my life when Millie was only 3 months old, Millies bio father is absolutely useless. I lived in the middle of no where and accomplished this in order to move closer to her bio fathers family in order to hopefully receive more help with Mille (suffice to say this did not occur).

I was single with a new baby and lonely and knew the Boyfie through mutual friends. We were chatting on social networking as you do and with my persistence, I just thought he was so damn good looking imagine a Tommy Hilfiger male model with his sandy brown hair and rock hard abs. Me not being the slutty type decided I just wanted to be able to say I had done him, and tick that off my life list. Even my "best friend" (now total ex best friend biggest slut ever) at the time told me to leave it alone and that he was in her words "way out of my league".

E.g. The above

But as I do I pursued and invited him over for dinner, to my shock horror he accepted. I was still sure on the day he was going to tell me "something had come up" and he couldn't make it. Yet I got a message saying "leaving now, I am on my way". This is when the panic set it. I tried to make myself look good in casual track pants and whipped up a quick stir fry, while on the phone to my friend in absolute panic. I have never done this, this is not me, what do I even do...these are just some of the thoughts that were running through my head on the day. I was prepared for total awkwardness.

As he arrived on his motorbike (yes he rides a motorbike just to add that to the ultimate sexy list) ... he hops off his bike with his black leather jacket as I slowly melt, telling myself to play it cool and convincing myself anyone that good looking had to be a total stuck up jackass.

He says a friendly "Hello" with his huge perfect smile and gives me a hug. Comes on in and we enjoy a night of dinner and a few awful movies. Which then lead on to us staying up all night banging like rabbits. And he was amazing, like next level amazing. I am not quite sure what I had experienced prior to him but he gave sex a whole new meaning. After we had tired we just lay in bed chatting, laughing and giggling surprisingly getting on extremely well before falling asleep cuddling. (I did actually think perhaps he would just leave afterwards but nope and I even got a very cute kiss on the forehead when he said good night to me). Is it strange that my one night stand had treated me better than my daughters father/ex boyfriend of 2 years had ever done??? Anyhow... I wake up at 5am to Millie and quietly sneak out to the lounge trying to let him sleep, not soon after he wandered out and this is the bit that got me. I was thinking okay so he's great in bed, incredibly ridiculously good looking and seems to be a genuinely nice person but I did not plan to fall for anyone else or have feelings develop, I had already planned for a life with just me and Millie.

Until this happened.... I make him breakfast and what does he do... goes over to Millie, moves her in her bouncer over to the deck and sits down next to her while eating his breakfast interacting with her. Oh Shit.... thoughts started to cross my mind I might actually like this guy. This guy who could have completely ignored her as her bio father usually does yet he went out of his way to include her and even interact with her.

Meanwhile during this time shortly after this "The worst night of my life" happened. I will explain this in another post perhaps later on. However to sum it up in a nutshell it involves my daughters biological father drunk and on drugs, ending with a knife and the police.

Lets just say things developed from there both sexually and emotionally. Which lead to a beautiful night with rose petals and tea light candles everywhere (his amazing romantic side which may have faded since then... but I try not to complain). 

After the "worst night of my life" happened I decided it was in mine and Millie's best interests to move countries to where my mother lives to get away from her bio father so I could feel safe and have a chance at a better economy and more support.

The Boyfie was supportive all the way through our packing and moving process but we decided long distance was too hard and to call the whole thing off, this is only a few months into our relationship. It ended with a night full of tears in a cab ride to the airport where I found a page long, hand written note he had hidden in Millie's nappy bag declaring his love for me and his sadness of us leaving the country and his life.

He decided a week after we had moved he would move to join us, I did not believe he would but decided to just pay things out and see what happened. I finally actually believed him when he said something about "a bad night sleeping on the couch" after I asked him where his bed was he advised he had sold it and sent me a photo of his now empty house and his last little pieces of belongings. Okay now I chose to believe him. Due to him having to wait for the citizenship and passport process this took 6 months. A lot of bad Skype connections, crying and arguments to sum it all up. He landed on my door step about ten days early to surprise me. To my shock horror must I say, I was sick and looked disgusting in my old lady flannel pyjamas and answered the door in my underwear deliriously thinking it was the post man who yelled "Hello" in a deep unrecognisable voice. And there he was standing there at my front door with his suitcase and a big grin. Oh how I thought I was dreaming.

Meanwhile my house looks like a bombsite and I have no food because I had more than a week to turn into the ultimate housewife and prepare for his arrival, boy was I wrong. Lets just say we ended up straight in the bedroom which lasted a few hours. He loved every bit of me even if I was sick with oily hair which majorly needed to be washed and smelly old lady pyjamas. He loved every single bit of me.

3 years later and a few ups and downs... we separated about 3 months ago. My call after an endless cry begging him to try to be more financially stable for us. I was bringing in most, if not all of the income and was struggling. He can be hard to talk to so I suffered in silence trying to let him know when I built up the courage. At wits end I wrote a letter, which he refused to read and he left. I packed up and put my things into storage and moved in with my mother. Figuring this would be the best way to get over him and try to move on and not be lonely (my mother does not like the Boyfie...or really anyone for that matter, I will explain more about her later on).

Needless to say despite a few dates and trying to "get myself out there". I was lonely and empty. I missed my best friend. I saw things everyday that I wanted to tell him or that only he would understand. We get each other. So we started talking again and he felt the same, told me I was the love of his life. And I melted as I always do and we are back together and will make things work for good. He has promised to improve and his communication is already flowing so much better. I have solid faith in us working. When you meet your soul mate you will understand this connection I am describing. It is indescribable and irreplaceable. Yes he is flawed as am I, but he accepts me and Millie and loves us fully through our worst and best of times.

Millie missed him dearly and asked for him often, I tried to explain he lived in his new house now and she didn't understand. Where was her best friend who taught her how to ride her bike? Where was her best friend who would play at the park and climb with her while mummy watched? Considering he never desired children of his own he has been more than amazing in stepping in and picking up the father role that seems to so naturally suit him. And god does she love him. We are talking about a man who would send me back to sleep as a sleep deprived over tired mother and take on a 3 month old baby (that is not his), me waking up hours later to her fed, nappy changed and happy as sitting with him doing whatever he was doing. I am very thankful everyday that someone amazing came into our life and will be a positive role model for her to learn from and grow up with.

So I am at my mothers (who does not approve and does not want him at her house), and he is renting a room. Our relationship consists of constant messaging in a language only we understand, a trip out for burgers or some great food and just enjoying each others company. Oh and the sex I cannot forget the sex.

Me and the boyfie hung out today after my first attempt at driving after my car accident (8 weeks ago), I was extremely nervous and anxious but with his confidence and faith in me along with my best friends courageous messages (she now lives in another state) I made it to his house. I love my car and I love driving its like getting your legs back after losing them for 8 weeks that's the way I would describe it. I drove slow and slightly nervous but I made it and feel better already.

A quick hello and the clothing is off... an hour and a half later and we are off to get whipped cream and strawberries. We go back and laugh as we sit there and eat strawberries and whipped cream from the can while laughing and giggling and enjoying each others company.

I love him. I have felt love a few times and can honestly say I have been in love and know what it feels like. This is a whole new level of life. This is life love. This is forever love.

I will marry this man (despite his best efforts and being anti marriage). I will marry him.

So that's our story,

More soon...

Millies Mum xo

Biggest downfall about being a mother.

Im sitting in bed with my tan on after 8 weeks of being a whitey (couldn't be bothered and didn't have the energy after my accident) and it's got me thinking the biggest downfall of being a mum for me and I believe probably most mothers out there is you have no time left for your bloody self! 

For example;

• I sleep in my tan because I can't let it develop during the day I'm either working and on weekends millie is bound to throw water on me slobber on me you name it. Highly recommend Bondi sands foam and buy the mit it's definitely worth it... Drys in about ten minutes then sleep in it wash it off in the morning.. Fairly even non orange tan and doesn't again clothes or sheets. 

• Shaving is no longer about when it's needed or when I'm in the shower it's how long could I possibly get away with not shaving my legs .. A good 2 weeks will do it before one day you look down horrified at the hairy monster you have become and quickly run to the shower (or only wear pants until you can actually shower and shave uninterrupted) 

• You do not have over an hour of uninterrupted time in the morning to perfect your hair and do your face. I have topped it down to dry shampoo and a pony tail with hair that should have been washed a week ago and tinted moisturiser with a bit of mascara. If my hair is clean down, dry and straight i either had nothing to do with my spare time, am sleep deprived by waking up early to do this or you just managed to catch me on a good day. Having said this I did recently splurge on some Estée Lauder double wear foundation for a rare girls night out which is AMAZING! Lasted all night despite my drunken messy state. If you do not have it already go and buy it. And if you have bags under your eyes the side of a steam train buy the illuminator concealer in a gold brush style container it's amazing I think I love it even more than the foundation... Trust me on this one.

• You never buy clothes or shoes for yourself. And by never I mean unless you randomly have some spare cash, someone offers to buy it for you or you seriously need clothes and I mean seriously. Your shopping spree comes down to a list of basics you desperately need I.e singlets, underwear or a new bra. None of this oh I want this new dress and that new top. And you spend as little as possible... Hello Kmart and Target... Good bye Myer and David jones.

Just general lack of time for yourself. If you manage to go to the toilet without a little head popping in you class that as a "little break", as well as them insisting they want to "help" you cook... It doesn't actually help at all (same goes if they offer to help you "clean"). 

Now don't get me wrong I love my little munchkin more than anything and wouldn't change my life for anything but it isn't easy. And they become #1 for the rest of your life. I still love being a mum. 

That's enough for now, 

Millie's Mumma xo

This is me...

This is me...

I am Millie's Mumma.

I have decided to join the blogger world, why you might ask? Well lets just say its a nice place to escape from the real world and release my thoughts.

Let me sum up my life for you so we have a background.

Parents separated at 10 years old, I have a sister 2 years older than me who still acts like she is 3 (does not work, is a dole bludger with mental health issues and who my mother still runs after daily ..) i.e she is 3 years old. I fell pregnant a month off my 18th birthday to one of the biggest idiots I have ever me, please know before you judge me it was not planned (I know everyone says that but I actually used protection I was just in the .2% of failure). That .2% failure pretty much sums up my life seems like its constantly I am in the small ratio of people where shit does .. JUST NOT go as planned. But hey that's life right? I have tried to let go and just roll with it.

So here is me, 21 with a 3 year old (Millie).

I am currently at my mothers house, and have been pretty much housebound for the past 8 weeks. Why I live at my mothers is a story for next time but for now just know this is the first time I have been back with my mother since I was 15 and moved out (to live in a different country away from her). Also know that I have a full time career which I have worked hard to build, so why have I been at home for the last 8 weeks you ask? Because I was in a car crash. A young lady decided it would be fun to speed and not concentrate and hit me at roughly 70kms per hour into my stationary vehicle sending me flying up a concrete barrier and over 3 lanes of oncoming traffic. Yes it was quite a day. But I survived.

After concussion (which included not remembering the year, month or the prime minister...yep pretty freaky stuff), severe whiplash and a neck injury I was sent home from hospital. And although they don't sound like major stuff I wish I just broke my arm or something instead.... simple break simple fix not having to worry if possibly my neck may never be the same again. Anyway the painkillers and appointments are all in place and hopefully with time this improves.

Onto the next subject. Today is Sunday, and my mother has left the house to socialise as per usual. Although I am not complaining as it means the house is quiet and I am free to parent as I please and do as I please without someone watching over me constantly commenting on what I should do or what I didn't do or how I could do something better. Ahh peace yes blissful peace, rare with a 3 year old who is currently fast asleep. Why do we love our children so much more when they are asleep haha who knows but I do know I love her more looking at her fast asleep.

My day today consists of puzzles, games, dolls, playing hairdresser, watching Lilo and Stitch for the hundredth time.. etc etc. I wonder if anyone else's children watch movies on repeat constantly in a vicious cycle or is it just mine? Then again I am like that with music listen to one song I love all the time until I ruin it. I have learnt from this by using the Pandora app which is wonderful by the way I definitely recommend it to anyone.

So I also have her dinner out of the freezer defrosting as we are into our fourth day gluten free. Millie has had health problems her whole life with spouts in hospital linked mostly to a weak immune system and bowel problems. Thanks to her lovely father for giving me the most stressful pregnancy of my life and causing a premature labour. Any who after exhausting all resources and being told not much can be done apart from loading her up on medication she with time will hopefully "improve", I decided to seek a naturopaths help as recommended by a friend. straight away diagnosed her as gluten and possibly dairy intolerant. Has anyone tried explaining to a 3 year old why she can no longer eat her favourite foods and her whole diet has changed? yeah its great fun.... NOT! anyway the only meal she has eaten so far without me ramming it down her throat is my homemade GF spag bowl so I decided to freeze as much as I could and as I cannot be bothered with an argument tonight that will do. Knowing my luck she will hate it tonight but fingers crossed for me okay?

This is my second day of trying not to sleep during the day. Everyday after the accident I have been so exhausted I have been napping during the day while my daughter is at daycare, I am trying my best to not nap and get back to normal so out goes the naps and im comes the coffee. Yes I said COFFEE! After over a year of trying my hardest not to drink it, its snuck back into my life. I will attempt to slowly wean it out again once things are back under control. Although im sure anyone would agree coffee is much better than my energy drink addicton when Millie was a baby. And please do not judge me on this if you have not been a single mother on your own, alone in a different country from your family and with no support it is NOT easy to raise a premature baby alone, feeding every 3 hours around the clock for 5 weeks while trying to sleep for the odd hour you get in between. Yeah that stage of my life is pretty much a blur... make a bottle of thickened formula, feed her, burp her, change her, get her back to sleep.... oh shes asleep time for me to shut my eyes and oooohh shes awake repeat. On replay for over a month of her first tiny bits of life. I was a zombie. But I have since improved and so has she.

I managed to find when Millie was only 3 months old a gorgeous (and I am not joking here I mean ridiculously good looking) man who also happened to be a lovely person. The joke was definitely on me and teaches me for stereotyping that all gorgeous young muscley men are shallow wankers with no brain. He has hung around since and done the best he can for not ever wanting kids or liking them. To welcome little Millie into this world, For which I am ever greatful. Hes not perfect no one is but he has stuck by us through the worst and best of times through ups and downs. Which is why after separating and moving back in with my mother (explains the above) we have decided to make things work. For good.

I think I hear mils stirring... time to go chat soon.

Millies Mumma
xo